What's Next?

“You’re going to Portugal with ten people you don’t know?” my pickleball friend asked incredulously. “You are really brave.”

 

I clarified that it wasn’t full-out blind faith, but maybe more like cataract faith. There were actually 12 of us going on the trip, but I had met both the life coach and the group leader at an Erma Bombeck conference in April and was pretty sure that they were fun and decent humans. So it wasn’t a full-out know no one trip.

 

“Life coach?” pickleball friend asked, picking up on an understandable travel oddity. 

 

I fumbled my way through the explanation that I wasn’t sure how she identified – whether she was a certified master of transformation or “just” a bonafide author, team builder and life-changer. But I figured she was into all that touchy-feely stuff I love and oh, yeah – I saw her perform a pretty funny stand-up comedy routine. 

 

Pickleball friend smiled and said, “Your serve.”

 

I met Desiree (the leader, not the coach) in the lobby of a Marriott hotel at the University of Dayton. She was holding court, touting a book she had written after gleaning inspiration from fellow conference attendees. She had a box of wine by her side (yes, a box) and introduced herself as “I know, I know, I have a stripper’s name.” Then there was Karen (the coach, not the leader) dressed in abstracts, chronicling her husband’s come to Jesus moment. He had been hanging a mega-huge and heavy cross (occupational hazard) when a cable snapped, taking him down and landing him in the hospital with myriad injuries. I followed her around like a puppy dog for the rest of the conference, though I didn’t see much more of Des once the boxed wine went dry. 

 

But like so many random acquaintances in my life, I immediately requested their Facebook friendship. And like so many new Facebook friends, their feeds algorithimmed their way into mine. 

 

Shortly after the conference, Desiree posted that she had lost her job and to stay tuned for news about her next venture. I followed with feigned interest and hearty likes (as opposed to hardy, though I'm fairly confident she wouldn't be able to tell the difference) as she unveiled her new business, Des Miller Travel Media. The plan was for her to serve as a hands-on travel consultant, organizer, leader, entrepreneur, friend. Another 💜 like. 

 

One of her first trips was described as a What’s Next? women’s retreat to Portugal – you know, for anyone who is widowed, divorced, fearing (or cheering) the empty nest, searching for a new career, or just looking for new meaning in life. Oh, and by the way, Karen Grosz (as in Karen from the conference) is going to do the coaching.

 

True to form, I immediately messaged her. 

 

“I’m happy as a clam, I have a pretty perfect life and I’m not looking for what’s next,” I wrote. “But if you need a body, I’d love to support you.” 

 

I sent in my deposit and buried the itinerary in my Vacations folder. Time passed, as it does, and soon it was time to meet and greet on Zoom. I thought about making up an excuse for missing the call, I really did. I had been uncharacteristically good about not obsessing over this trip and knew that with a week left before departure, there was still plenty of time for fussing and fretting were I to see or hear something I couldn’t unsee or unhear. 

 

“So, what did you think?” my pickleball friend asked the following day, knowing I had been uneasily anticipating this encounter. 

 

“Put it this way,” I said, mincing words as I sized up this 52 year-old friend beside me on the court. “I’m at least 10 years older than most of them. I’m not looking to reinvent myself and my next is most likely the morgue. I’ve never had a life-defining tragedy or felt the need to do anything more than just keep on keeping on. They all have worthy “nexts” and I just wonder if I should make something up so I’ll fit in.”

 

Wide-eyed she tossed me the ball.

 

“Your serve.”

 

Despite a miraculously vacant middle seat, it was still a sleepless overnight flight to Lisbon. Desiree was there to meet me at the airport and with brilliant foresight, swept me away to a hotel room across the street where we waited for the next victims to arrive. 

 

The first woman I met was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. A young single mom – with a kid who could easily be my daughter’s kid without raising any eyebrows. I loved her immediately. And I think she loved me too. You know in that motherly kind of way. 

 

The next two were yes, 54 years old and best of buds from their college days at UNC. I homed right in and began regaling them with stories about my kid’s Chapel Hill experience as if they had been peers. They were polite and pretended they cared before leaving us behind for a wine tasting in town. 

 

And that’s how it went. One by one I met my travel companions, looking for common ground with these random women whose lives couldn’t be more different from my own. 

 

We started every morning with Coach Karen, who led us through exercises that unearthed our excuses, revealed our restraints, unpacked our fears, exposed our vulnerabilities, and unleashed our lives. 

 

And then off we’d go to explore Portugal.

 

We saw mummified children, monasteries, convents, forts, and castles; ancient buildings that had been earthquaked and tsunamied; a Fado show (google it); and the Belem Tower. We walked along gorgeous coast lines in Nazare and Ericeira; strolled through Obidos, a medieval walled city with modern gelato; and ate in what’s got to be the hugest food court in the country. We shopped in the oldest bookstore in the world where I found the book I was currently reading (Sally Rooney’s Intermezzo) printed in Portuguese; boated around the caves and crannies of Berlengas Island; and visited a tile factory where we painted our own creations. We had two mouthwatering chefs over to our villa to concoct a mouthwatering meal; beheld breathtaking sunsets; sipped wine (boxed and bottled); danced in the villa; and slugged Portugal’s iconic cherry liquor out of chocolate shot glasses. 

 

All the while we adhered to the rules of changing seats, changing up our buddies, and most importantly, changing ourselves. Day after day we dug deeper, got closer, embracing each other's pain, humor, and boundless beauty.  

 

Then it was over. 

 

And now we are home.

Back to our divergent lives filled with all the people and places and circumstances that ultimately brought us together. Back to our dogs and kids and parents and pickleball, cooking dinners, running errands, seeing doctors, and raking leaves. Yet two weeks later, our phones are still pinging with affirmations and affections, reminding us of our tears and fears and triumphs and failures and the sacred specifics we shared with one another. 

 

No matter What’s Next, and there will always be a next, I know that even the most skeptical of us will for a long, long time hold on to the inspirational love, trust, and encouragement that was spawned by the entwining of a dozen random souls for a magical week in Portugal.

 

Imagine that. 

A bunch of women I didn't know and couldn't imagine caring about have weaseled their way into my heart (not to mention onto my Facebook feed) where they will reign forever and ever amongst the best of the best. 

Baby, We Were Born to Run

While I’ve always professed to being tone deaf, the great musician, Michael Hinton, assured me that technically, I was not. After all, I can indeed tell the difference between Happy Birthday and The Star Spangled Banner. But give me a lesser known rock song and I often can’t identify it until the lyrics chime in. Which is not to say that I haven’t enjoyed the marks music has left in my life. 

I’ll forever equate You’re my blue sky, you’re my sunny day with Morgantown, West Virginia. Perched on the sloped roof of 204 Grant Avenue Fran, Linda, Kevin, and I would wave to the passersby as they sang along to the Allman Brothers blaring out of our 2nd floor window those first days of spring. Helen Reddy’s Delta Dawn will be ever reminiscent of Karen Shea’s first my-parents-are-out-of-town high school party. I can’t hear Lay, Lady, Lay without thinking of Emily, Margaret, and Todd Nuttall and giggle knowing that Todd would have zero frame of reference, nor would he likely remember any of us, except of course, Margaret. 

 

I do know every Taylor Swift and John Prine song and would like one of each played at my funeral 34 years from now – requesting Dave Moyer for Souvenirs, and anyone can do Taylor's Long Live just as long as they sing with sincerity. 

 

Which brings me to the hungry heart of this story. Bruce Springsteen. I’ve never been a fan. Never been a hater. I just kind of threw him in the same pot as say, Journey, both have a couple of songs I could belt out at a bar but neither have been on my personal playlist nor on my bucket list to see live in concert

 

But alas, I had seen Bruce live. In 1974 I went to visit my sister at the College of William and Mary. 

 

“Want to go to see this guy play tonight?” Emily asked. “His name’s Bruce something. Springsteen maybe?”

 

“Never heard of him,” I said.

 

“Me neither.”

 

So we went. And there was nothing memorable about the night except that I remembered it once he got famous. 

 

Fifty years later, my ever-loving spouse propositioned me. 

 

“Want to go see Bruce Springsteen in Baltimore with Gary and Chuck and their brides?” 

 

“Absolutely not,” I responded. “You go and have a good time with your high school friends.” 

 

“I think you should come. It will be fun.” 

 

As pointed out more than once by the daughter, I have a habit of defaulting with NO. Rarely will I say, "I'll think about it," or a simple, "No, thank you." More often than not an emphatic NO followed by a tirade of something akin to "Why would ANYone voluntarily do ANYthing like that?"  or "In what world would you think I would actually consider what you have suggested?" 

 

Then I ruminate over it, obsessively, usually feeling guilty about my extreme reaction. But every now and then I surprise us all and reverse my decision, saying "OK, I’ll do it." Mind you, not "I’d LOVE to do it." Just an "OK. I’m in. But I warned you, I didn’t want to do this."

 

Which is what I did a few weeks ago. 

 

After all, I have a 50 year-history with Bruce. 

 

Along with the unmemorable concert in the college pub, my friend Patty and I had our own Bruce Springsteen incident. We were on the first of our many annual cruises together and stopped in the ship casino. Neither of us had any idea how to play craps but we moseyed up to the table anyway. My Patty somewhat resembled Bruce Springsteen’s wife, at least enough for a drunken craps player to whisper to her cohort, “I think that’s Patti Scialfa!” 

 

Mind you, we were on a Carnival Cruise. An old, yet-to-be-refurbished ship. The kind of ship Patti Scialfa may have boarded in her youth, but considering her current net worth, it was highly unlikely that would be how she’d choose to vacation. 

 

Naturally, we went with it. 

 

“I’m so happy Bruce let you come with me!” I said really loudly.

 

“You’re just happy he paid for your cruise,” my Patty replied. 

 

As word of a celebrity sighting spread like a norovirus through the ship, my Patty smiled and finger-tip waved to countless cruisers in the buffet line as they nudged each other, mouthing, “That’s her!” 

 

I felt I owed it to both Patty, who is no longer with us, and Patti who has been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, (and to my ever-loving who thought it was such a nice gesture to buy the tickets) to go full circle and attend the concert. 

 

Which isn’t to say I was excited to finally go to a mega-concert as a senior citizen. I know, I know, I went to LA to see Taylor Swift in an arena almost twice the size of Camden Yards, but hey, that was Taylor. And I was a full year younger. 

 

I did prep though. I downloaded Bruce’s set list and crammed for a week prior to the show. After googling lyrics and playing his songs on repeat, I knew I could endure the three hours – and the three-and-a-half hour drive – but still didn’t get the hype. 

Let me reiterate. If I’m in the car, I listen to books on tape or sports on the radio. If I’m at home, I choose silence. Music for music’s sake does not move me. But I was certainly moved when Bruce took the stage at exactly 7:30 pm. It wasn't lost on me that he considered our time valuable. Or maybe it's just that he's 75 years old and couldn't stay up that late. I looked at my watch. Great. We’ll be out by 10:30. I can do this. 

 

Of course he opened with Hungry Heart.  Got a wife and kids in BALTIMORE, Jack and the crowd went wild. As did I.

 

I was absolutely mesmerized. The band, even to my self-professed tone-deaf ears was amazing. The energy was infectious. And perhaps best of all, most of the audience was just as geriatric as I. 

 

I was still amped up the next day and we listened to Bruce the whole way home. We watched Springsteen on Broadway on Netflix the next night, and I devoured his memoir in two days. But the point of this story is not to detail my transformation to Bruce Trampdom (yes, I googled to see what Springsteen fans are called), or a testament to how easily I am star-struck. But rather a reminder for all of us to open up those too-often closed minds and to every now and then embrace the things in life we thought were unembraceable. 

 

Though my father’s words will always ring loudly in my head, “Expect the worst and you’ll never be disappointed,” the worst is rarely as bad as expected. Sometimes it can be life-changing, I say as these words pour out of my once silenced computer speakers:

So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe WE AIN’T THAT YOUNG ANYMORE
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright

To put my money where my mouth is, I’m off to Portugal on Monday for a What’s Next? retreat with a bunch of women I’ve never met. 

Why? 

Because Baby, We Were Born to Run.

Don't Stop Believin'

Don’t settle. Don’t panic. Just wait. You will know.

 

My mother, who will turn 99 years old in October, drilled this mantra into the hearts of her four daughters throughout our entire dating and mating years. My parents lived one of those fairy tale love stories with my father proposing on their very first date. My mother laughed him off until she realized that he wasn't kidding. They were married just three months later and adored each other every day of the nearly 50 years they were together. 

 

As my sisters and I searched for our Prince Charmings we kissed a pond-full of frogs, hoping that their abundant warts would magically disappear. We tried so hard to limbo into love, but the bar my parents had set was pretty darn high. Just when we began to question my mother’s sage advice, two of us got married in the same year.  And while my sister Nancy’s union didn’t last into old age, she did produce my favorite niece and nephew. 

 

As cousins, the daughter and Olivia are the closest thing to a sister each will ever know. They swapped plenty of their own frog stories through the years with nothing healing their hearts like Nana’s marriage mantra. It gave them hope. It gave them calm. It gave them courage to get back on those dang dating apps. 

 

Just about two years ago, the daughter, and subsequent maid of honor, called in a love alert. 

 

“Don’t say anything yet, but Olivia went on a date last night. She thinks she’s found her person.” 

 

Perhaps because I’m living my own version of a happily-ever-after story, I immediately bought into it and started peppering the daughter with the pertinent questions. Is he rich? Is he handsome? Is he smart? Knowing of course that the yet to be determined were the only questions that mattered: Is he kind? Is he a good person? Does he love Olivia? 

 

It turns out that yeah, he is all of those things and more.

 

On a Friday evening in early September, Olivia and Kevin tied the knot at a beautiful old estate in the Philadelphia suburbs. Nancy, the mother of the bride, has extraordinary vision as well as the talent, the connections, and the wherewithal to bring those creative inspirations to life. So it was no surprise to any of us that the venue was decorated with adorable touches that epitomized the couple’s personalities. There were dozens and dozens of hand-baked cookies made by the incredible Mary Crate, golf-clubbed flower arrangements, cupcakes (almost) too pretty to eat, golf balls with fun sentiments printed on them, a mini-golf course by the barn, an abundance of food and drink, and an eight-piece band that kept four generations of guests dancing the whole night long. 

The highlight of the party came when Olivia and Kevin choreographed and karaoked their way through Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ (they didn't), You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’ (they haven’t), and that ever-fun I’ve Had the Time of my Life.

 

 

It was a night of pure joy with everyone the two of them love (and some whom they don't) all together, celebrating their union.  

Somewhere between the bacon-wrapped scallops and the donut wall, I started blinking back sentimental tears realizing that a niece or nephew’s wedding is about as good as it gets. You’re right there in the lineage line, without the stress of hosting…or paying. My three kids along with two significant others came from across the country to share their familial love with their cousin and her new spouse. As any empty-nester knows, when all your adult offspring are together in one place (as long as it's not living in your house), it brings fuzzy feelings to a parent's heart. 

I suspect I've attended close to 100 weddings in my long-lived life. And despite all the time and travel (not to mention money) that has entailed, there's still no event I enjoy more than celebrating the first day of the rest of a life together. It goes way beyond toasting the happy couple – it’s the fun of witnessing the merging of two (sometimes more) families composed of completely different characters (and there are always characters), the blending of friends with both sordid and solid histories, and being part of the pile of hope that the newly united couple will indeed make it.

 

Everyone smiles on their wedding day -- it’s the days and years after when the bills need to be paid, the children fed, the toilets plunged that the real work begins. Which is why when you start in a place knowing absolutely and unequivocally that your partner is THE ONE, all the minutiae of life is a whole lot easier to navigate. 

 

Here’s to Kevin and Olivia, and to the parents who made them, the siblings who tortured them, the cousins who envied them, the friends who supported them, the bosses who hired them, and the dogs who adored them. 

 

If your happily-ever-after is even a fraction as much fun as the day you were married, it will certainly go down in the books as a love well-lived.

My wise old mother will likely not make it to Olivia and Kevin’s tenth, let alone 50^th wedding anniversary, but for the rest of her life she will beam with pride and love, knowing that her first-born and first-married grandchild did as she was told.

 

Don’t settle. Don’t panic. Just wait. You will know.

Joyful, joyful, we adore thee

   

                                          

When we vowed our eternal friendship as college freshmen, we had no idea what we were signing up for. We were just a bunch of 18-year-old girls living a life in which our biggest challenges were figuring out how many classes we could skip without flunking out, how many beers we could consume without passing out, and how many boys we could kiss along the way. 

We grew up (debatable), got married, pursued careers, bought houses, birthed babies, had body parts finagled, lost jobs, siblings, and parents. We found our places in society, dabbling in PTAs, art leagues, floral design, elder care, massage therapy, classrooms, butterflies, blogs, Bunco and book clubs. We created unique worlds for ourselves with different family dynamics, issues, and goals. But every one of us knew that wherever we went and with whomever we lived that the girls would always be a top priority. For nearly half a century we’ve gotten together as often as possible and touch base weekly with a relevant Quote of the Week sent on the text chain. Whether those words of wisdom are ignored, raise an eyebrow, or spark a conversation, they serve as a continual reminder that we are never more than a millisecond away.

 

Within our group there are different configurations of our friendship. Some of us see each other only on our annual get-together. A couple of us talk on the phone on our morning walks. A few of us keep in touch with another’s children or siblings or friends. But generally, the way we know each other’s families is through the stories we tell.

 

And sorry, significant others. We talk about you. All.The.Time.

 

We know which guy is the most likely to ride a bicycle 100 miles for charity, and which one rides just for the joy of pedaling. We know who loads the dishwasher correctly and who has never, not once put a dish away. We know which one does the most cooking, drinks the most beer, watches the most TV. We know who controls the money, who is the most stubborn, who is the most appreciative and the most appreciated. We know who can build a deck and who can’t hang a picture, who is most likely to go away with the guys, and who prefers a solo fishing trip. We know who brings home flowers and who needs a prompt to remember an anniversary. We know who encourages, who tolerates, and who is oblivious to the girl's trips. We know the snorers, the socializers, the skiers, the lovers, and the fighters. 

 

We all ended up with guys who love us madly (how could they not), support our whims, tolerate our quirks, and try their best to keep us happy. Some of us complain louder than others, some sugar-coat more than others, some are more dramatic than others, and there’s no doubt some of us have been luckier than others. But in the grand scheme of things, we’ve all done good. 

 

Every now and again we catch a look at the significants through our own objective eyes. It happens as we are sharing a table at a wedding, talking politics over a bourbon, meeting in New York City, sailing through the Penobscot Bay, or cheering from the soccer bleachers in Central New Jersey.

 

Suddenly we see a totally different creature than the one we have known through the myriad eye-rolling, snarky, or sickeningly sweet love stories we’ve heard. We see the miser pick up the dinner tab, the anti-social spouse work the crowd, the heavy drinker sipping soda, the perfect partner making a major faux pas. These real-time, real-life insights remind us that the venting, romanticizing, or worshiping words we share with the girls are just words. Words spoken merely for validation, advice, or support from those we’ve loved longer than the men in our lives. And that no matter how much we’ve been told, we will never, ever know what love looks like in any heart other than our own. 

 

But we can get a pretty good idea. 

 

Larry, perhaps the least likely to intentionally screw up a high holy day, died on Mother’s Day after an exhausting bout with a grueling cancer. His first grandson was born in early June so the girls gathered in Atlanta last month to support our friend, Susan, and to celebrate the circle of life with a baptism and a memorial service.

 

It was a beautiful weekend filled with friends and family and a very funny priest. After all the pomp and circumstance, held in the same sanctuary in which we had toasted Jessie and Chris's nuptials, we reconvened at Sue’s place. Back at the house that Larry had renovated we found ourselves amongst faces familiar to us from the wedding two years prior – perhaps more sober but not necessarily more somber. Humor worked its way into our quips and conversations as we swapped stories with friends and family who each had their own unique relationship with Larry. 

 

There were siblings who knew him since the day he was born, children who knew him since the day they were born, friends who worked with him, laughed with him, and prayed with him. There was the seven-week old baby who was hugged by more hearts in that one day than in his whole long life combined; sugared-up toddlers, lovable Gen Z-ers, multiple millennials, boisterous baby boomers, a 90-year-old great grandmother, and an old, tired dog snoring on the living room floor dreaming of long walks with her beloved Larry. 

 

So much love, so much grief, so many woulda, shoulda, coulda's. Yet somehow through the sharing of narratives, connections, and perspectives, joy found its way in. A video highlighting Larry’s twinkling blue eyes showed us the multiple facets of a well-loved man. He was not simply a father, a son, a brother, a buddy, an uncle, an in-law, a co-worker, a mentor, a coach, a patient, a boss, a cousin, a parishioner, a builder, a fisherman, a dog’s best friend or a best friend’s husband. 

Larry's soul showed itself in many different ways.

While contemplating life and death and the myriad layers of love and loss, I've realized that our tears, and grief, and memories are ours alone to have and to hold. Yet no one can lay claim to another person's soul. Because souls are fluid little things, flitting from place to place, person to person, touching down and making their impact in the most curious of ways.

What an honor and privilege it is to witness what a soul has sparked; the inspirations, the convictions, the knowledge, the dreams, the talent, the love, the smiles, the grandchildren. And how heartwarming it is to know that all the while our own souls are out there doing the very same thing. 

Perhaps that's all it takes. A bunch of commingling souls working their magic to make sure that we can feel the joy in the midst of our sorrow. 

What a good soul you shared, Larry. What a good soul.

A new kind of DNR

 

“Remember that time when we went to Harrisburg with those random guys we met at the Fall Ball?” Girlfriend Number Three (names redacted to protect the guilty) gasped.  

Pregnant pause.

 

“That was me. Alone,” Number One responded. 

 

“It was?” Three said, crinkling her nose. “I could have sworn I was there.”

 

“You absolutely weren’t there. That’s why the story is so appalling. And why you should all be thankful I am still alive.” 

The six of us tittered and continued regaling each other with stories of what we should and shouldn’t have done over the course of our 50-year friendship. 

 

We were gathered in Higgins Beach, Maine for our annual get-together at one of the girl’s (we’ll always be girls) family homes that we have frequented ever since we met in college. Sitting on the porch overlooking the crashing waves we jumped into each other’s stories, filling in details, asking impertinent questions, and hijacking the mic. It’s what we have always done, some of us more than others, blaming our loquaciousness on being verbal processors.

 

But somewhere between the stories of the moldy bird seed on the white wedding tux, the Mexico boating incident, and the infamous arrest – all stories we’ve been a part of and / or heard hundreds of times – it became apparent that some facts were no longer facts at all.

 

“You were a sociology major,” Girlfriend Number Four challenged. “You didn’t even take computer science.” 

 

“Are you sure?” Number Six asked with furrowed brow.

 

“Positive!” Numbers One through Five effused in unison.

 

Somewhere during that weekend – in the car on the way to Ogunquit, or when eating lobster that had been wild-caught just hours before, or while walking past the old-age home on the cliffs – talked turned from rotator cuffs, foot surgeries, and neuropathy to wills and funerals and DNRs. 

 

“What does DNR stand for again?” Number Two asked.

 

“Do not remember,” Number One snarked.

 

And thus DNR became the weekend’s theme.

 

When one of us stumbled on a detail we just declared, “DNR.” If one of us lost a word, like what’s that brown liquid you add to an Old Fashioned, or where do you keep those things to dry the dishes with, or pass me some of that green stuff – we just called it as we saw it, another DNR. 

 

We hooted over our ingenuity and cackled our way through another drink.

 

This year Number Three came up with a novel idea – a non-eating, non-drinking Sunday night activity. A month prior to our gathering she challenged us to participate in a book club, choosing The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes. 

 

The Sense of an Ending is a thought-provoking novel that delves into memory, time, and how we construct our own narratives. It explores the intricate workings of memory, how it can shape and reshape one's history, relationships, and identity. It underlines the significance of introspection and how our narratives of the past might sometimes distort the reality of our actions and their consequences.

 (Summary taken straight from Google. Believe me, I’m not that smart. Or succinct.)

The non-readers in the group as well as those of us who DNR what we’ve read minutes after we’ve closed our kindles, agreed that it was spot on – short, profound, and perfectly appropriate.

 

It made us realize that while our ever-advancing age is indisputably a factor, perhaps our blips can be attributed simply to having been blessed with a life jam-packed with more memories than our brains can keep up with.

 

We may bumble and blank, falter and flail, misremember and downright lie, but as long as we don't forget those who have been by our side crafting our lives chapter by chapter, we'll all be just fine. While lifelines come in different shapes, sizes, and personalities they all are built on the same foundation. I foresee a future in which one of us tosses a rope, another grabs on tight, one sheds tears as we spiral, and yet another roars laughing as we reemerge. 

And I have to hold on to hope that not one of us will ever, ever say that we DNR being loved. Loved for who we once were, who we are now, and who we will become.

Even if we forget some of the details along the way.

 

Winning Big in London

  

“Let me get his straight,” said a friend who clearly did not know the great lengths I’ve gone to make my life worth talking about. “You went all the way to London for a baseball game?”

 

If this sounds familiar, it’s because I went all the way to France to play cards last fall and was incredulously questioned about that trip as well.

 

Our friends Donald and Theresa moved to Rennes almost two years ago -- right after the annual Hearts tournament. The rules, in place for over 40 years, clearly state that the winner hosts the next tournament. Don won and eleven of us traveled overseas to honor our commitment. 

 

So when he asked if my ever-loving spouse and I would like to meet at the MLB London Series to watch the Mets get trounced by the Phillies, it was a no-brainer. 

 

I grew up a Phillies fan, going to Connie Mack Stadium with my father, then Veterans Stadium with my friend Patty. She was in love with Manny Trillo. I was in love with he’s not broiled, he’s not fried, he’s shake and Bake McBride. Though it was tough choosing between the likes of speedy Lonnie Smith, gambling Pete Rose, and the great Michael Jack Schmidt.

 

My spouse grew up an Orioles fan and embraced the Phillies briefly, presumably to win me over. We moved to North Jersey and instinctively knew we could never be Yankees fans, nor did we have much interest in the Mets. Because it was back in the pre-historic, pre-internet days, there was only so much we could do to stay loyal to our roots. We followed box scores, occasionally caught a glimpse of our home teams when they played a local game but I became a peripheral fan at best. Once we started producing athletes of our own, I had no time or interest in watching professional sports until the playoffs.

 

And then came the summer of 2015. My kids had all hung up their cleats by then and I found myself flipping through channels, tired of the HGTV home renovation reruns. I happened to land on the Mets at the precise moment that the Wilmer Flores drama was playing out. To save you the google, when rumors started flying that Wilmer had been traded mid-game, he reacted by shedding real tears on the field. He wasn’t actually traded until years later but he instantly became my favorite player in all of baseball, because that’s how I tend to pick my favorites. A couple of days later Yoenis Cespedes, in all his gold-chain glory, joined the squad and I was hooked. The Mets became my team. Of course it helped that they made it to the World Series, albeit with a little Matt Harvey pitching fit that cost them the ring.

 

In 2016 we became Mets season ticket holders and it’s been a roller coaster of a ride ever since.

 

We had a rocky start to our vacation. The dog had already been delivered to his Rover.com home. The suitcases had been opened and shut multiple times to add just one more pair of shoes, one more jacket (because suddenly the high was expected to be in the low 60s), and an extra phone charger (proved worthless because my universal adapter apparently wasn’t universal in the UK). I had my finger poised on the Uber app when I received the oh-so-sorry text that our flight had been canceled due to technical difficulties. We were rebooked for the following day, with a layover in Houston (3 hours and 45 minutes in the opposite direction) and two middle seats. Thanks to the advice of my travel agent sister, we persisted and eventually got it sorted, as the Brits say. We ended up with a direct flight with two adjacent aisle seats but still lost a full day in London. Worse things have happened. 

 

After a sleepless but otherwise uneventful flight, we took a 40-minute train ride to the Liverpool Street Station. As we ascended from the underground, we caught sight of Donald and Theresa, waving their arms and shouting our names in American. Our adorable airbnb was a two minute walk, right in the heart of Spitalfields, a vibrantly funky neighborhood home to multiple pubs that hosted stand-around-outside happy hours. Following the “rule” that you shouldn’t sleep until bedtime in order to avoid jet lag, we walk, walk, walked through the city, ending up on London Bridge and subsequently on a picturesque boat ride down the Thames, serenaded with corny commentary.

 

Over the next couple days we tested our bunions with multiple kilometers recorded in miles on our fitness apps. We saw all the sights, including St. Paul’s Cathedral –the ever-loving spouse being the only one who would fork over the 30 dollars to walk down the aisle that launched Princess Di into despair; Buckingham Palace; Tate Modern; Trafalgar Square, which was filled with MLB pre-game shenanigans; Passyunk Avenue London, a bar and meeting place replicating the raucousness of Philly-dom; and paid a visit to the Bloomberg London office. 

 

After confirming our identity with the spouse’s stateside newsroom ID, we were free to roam the building. We walked out of the lift on the sixth floor and there stood Serendipitous Stephanie, a  colleague whom the spouse had also just happened to run into on an Amtrak train last summer when she was in the US. After touring this spectacular building, picking up some free caffeine and snacks and talking with some of the reporters and editors, one of whom I had met at a Mets game two summers back when she still lived in New York, I put in a request for my spouse’s job transfer to London.

 

Wherever we went, it was abundantly clear that there was something American happening. Our plane had at least two dozen people donned in Mets or Phillies gear and we couldn’t walk half a kilometer without someone saying, “Go Birds!” in reference to Donald’s ever-present Eagles cap. The city felt like a cross between a Taylor Swift concert and the Olympics with perfect strangers bonding and cheering on their heroes. 

 

The crowds at the games were overwhelmingly dominated by Philadelphia fans, maybe because they were one of the best teams in baseball while the Mets were struggling to stay barely above worst team status. We did note though that the English spectators tended to wear Mets rather than Phillies gear, perhaps just a preference in team colors, but more likely they thought they were getting a great deal on that authentic deGrom jersey. Of which we saw many. 

 

What I didn’t realize when I was in the thick of Philadelphia-ism was how, shall we say, passionate the fans are. Sitting In the row behind us was a family with two adolescent kids. After the dad booed the fifth Met in a row, I turned around in all my blue and orange glory and said, “That’s so mean. Don’t boo us!” 

 

“That’s just what we do,” he said good-naturedly. “I even boo my own kids.” 

 

I’m no stranger to this kind of behavior. Donald and my spouse are notorious competitors. They trash-talk through the fantasy basketballs season, battle about bringing home the Hearts trophy, and defend their beloved sports teams while mercilessly mocking the opponent’s yips, injuries, and stupid plays. They roll their eyes when I feel sorry for the losers and don’t appreciate my compassion for the mothers of the athletes. They believe in taking home the gold. 

 

As was expected, the Mets lost big the first game but pulled out an incredible double play to end the second game with a W. A perfect split series that made the trip worth it for both sides. Honestly, I would have been fine either way, but both Donald and my spouse wanted a full-out sweep for their respective teams. 

 

The baseball games were played at London Stadium which is home to the West Ham United “football” team. The 20-minute walk back to the train with 55,000 sports enthusiasts was a feat unto itself. Along the route security in neon vests would periodically exercise crowd control by holding up stop signs. The crowd would oblige, halting and jawing in jest until the signs turned back to GO. At one of the stop points a guard remarked, “This is incredible. You would never see opposing fans sitting alongside one another, let alone walking together amicably after a football match.”

 

And that’s when the Pollyanna in me reared her pretty little head and I got those familiar goosebumps in my heart. I knew better than to say it to the guys, but it truly didn’t matter who won or lost over the weekend in London Stadium.  

 

After all, not everyone would entertain the idea of attending a series of contrived baseball games in the land of the royals. Let alone make it happen. Not everyone has friends who will jaunt over from France and have the refrigerator stocked with Diet Coke upon your jet-lagged arrival. Not everyone has friends who understand how a single wrong decision over something as innocuous as which cross-body bag you carry can make or break a day. Not everyone has buddies who have endured the test of time and travel and at the end of the trip say, “Where to next?” and mean it. 

What a win. What a win.

Manifesting the Oui

“You do realize,” the daughter said, somewhere in between do you want to go to the beach and do you want pasta with your chicken parm. “That your default response is always no.”

“No it’s not!” I replied. “I say yes to everything.”

 

The daughter, the sister and the niece exchanged knowing smirks.

 

Olivia, my favorite niece, is marrying her favorite person in September with her favorite cousin who happens to be my favorite daughter, serving as maid of honor. We decided to do a mother-daughter Mother’s Day weekend in Charleston where Olivia’s mother, one of my favorite sisters lives.

 

Olivia and the daughter (mine, not hers) had just returned from a jewelry store where they created personalized necklaces. Olivia’s charms included the number six which is her future wedding date; a dog bone in honor of her loveable mutt, Bob; and a heart, for obvious reasons. The daughter’s choices were a flying pig because, duh, all things are possible; a horseshoe magnet to attract the attractable; and an evil eye to ward off life’s unpleasantries. They both added a charm etched with the word, Oui. Olivia will be saying yes in September and the daughter is vowing to say yes to new people, places, and experiences.  

 

“Oh, I need a oui!” I exclaimed.

 

“You can’t just get one. You have to earn it.” 

 

“How?”

 

Which earned me those knowing smirks again. 

 

“Manifest it,” said Olivia.

 

Believe it or not, I was once a full-out oui girl. 

 

“Want to go to Galax, Virginia for a folk festival?” asked my friend, Ann. 

 

“YES!” 

 

There were no worries about where would we stay, anxiety over impending rain, or words wasted on what ifs. Even if it had entered our minds that a tire might blow out on Skyline Drive in the middle of the night and then happen again an hour later, I seriously doubt we would have brought a spare spare. Some things were not meant to be pre-angsted about.

 

 “Want to spend the summer in Arizona?” suggested same friend.

 

“YES!”

 

Off I went across the country on a Trailways bus. Three glorious days of breathing in, breathing out the unlovely aroma of back-of-the-bus air freshener, brushing teeth in stainless steel sinks in bus station bathrooms, and ultimately befriending unwanted seat mates. 

 

“Let’s go to Florida for spring break!”

 

“I’m in!” I responded without hesitation.

 

So we hopped into my Ford Pinto with two guy friends, surfboards on the roof, sleeping bags in the trunk, driving through the night until we hit Sebastian Inset where we slept on the beach. Not in a tent on the beach. On the beach. A perfect vacation complete with a nice dose of sun poisoning. 

 

“We should just go down to Ocean City,” Patty and I concluded when there wasn't any fun to be found in Wyndmoor. An hour-and-a-half later we were knocking on boarding house doors looking for a ten-dollar-a-night room. No vacancy, no problem. We would surely meet new friends at the Anchorage (seven beers for a dollar) who would house us for the night.

 

I have had a life time of spur of the moment adventures including a pre-internet, late-night drive with my beau (who realized my worth on that trip and proposed soon after) to our nation’s capital to drop off a resume at the Washington Post (he didn’t get the job); a 300-mile round trip to see Jackson Browne in concert, getting back to college three hours before a final exam; sleeping in the back seat of an unlocked car at a truck stop somewhere in Nebraska; biking Grand Cayman in 95 degree heat with no map or water; toasting in the New Year in Moscow; singing karaoke off-key at a pig roast in the Philippines; succumbing to a frighteningly authentic shaman-run sweat lodge on a lesser-known Caribbean island; zip lining in the mountains of Jamaica; and perhaps scariest of all, trying to blend in with the debutantes at a Beaux Arts Ball in Philadelphia. 

 

Though I once welcomed airplane turbulence with a gleeful whoo hoo and would jump into a stranger’s car without a second thought, I wasn’t completely fearless. I was the only second-grader who refused to pet a snake on a class trip – back in the days when it was OK for teachers to publically shame an eight year old’s phobia. I never went downhill skiing knowing for sure that the young and handsome ski-renter dude would scream, "Do we have any skis for someone this heavy?"  I never jumped off Indian Head in all those years of vacationing at Charleston Lake with Rachel. And I never tried heroin. 

 

Somewhere along the line I got way more cautious/sensible/mature/scared/neurotic. I began hemming and hawing and verbally processing every possible scenario that would or could go wrong. And that eventually morphed into being the one who apparently always leads with NO. Yet, at the risk of another eye roll from dear sister, daughter, and favorite niece, I must contend that I am indeed a positive person. 

 

I believe with all my heart that people are not inherently evil and do I not ALWAYS make excuses for the bad guy? When my washing machine bubbled over onto my brand new laundry room floor, did I not remember that children are dying in Gaza?  Am I not the one who, despite entertaining every potential catastrophe, knows that in the end things usually turn out okay?

 

It’s just the getting there that can be hard for me. 

 

Sometimes though, I surprise myself as well as those who know me best.

 

“I’m shocked you'd let a stranger touch you,” the sister said after I gave a thumbs up to a Saturday massage.

 

Somehow I’ve made it this far without experiencing a naked-on-the-bed massage and it never occurred to me that it should be something to be nervous about. And I wasn’t, until the masseuse spent more time coughing than massaging.

 
“Don’t worry, I don’t have Covid,” she said, planting the seed, but luckily not the virus.

 

“What time are we going to the beach tomorrow?” I asked as we drank cocktails out of our stripper man straws later that day,

 

I used to love the beach and could lie prone for hours on end with no sunscreen. Today’s me has a very strong aversion to it. I’m not sure exactly when it happened – but it was likely a culmination of all my sand and surf traumas that festered beneath the surface until they had nowhere to go but no. It may have stemmed from the time my sister Emily left me for dead in a riptide in Cape May. Or that infamous 1974 Bahamas beach adventure with my friend Madge. Or the aforementioned Sebastian Inlet vomit-inducing skin baking. Or the special July 4^thsurprise that could only have meant an engagement ring, but turned out to be a day trip to Sandy Hook with my ever-loving-spouse-to-be and his college buddy, Bruce. In his speedo. 

 

Because the weekend was supposed to be all about Olivia, I had preemptively surrendered and accepted my fate. I packed my swimsuit, had my kindle queued up to a Jennifer Weiner beach read, and may even have allowed one of my favorite people to slather sunscreen across my back. I could deal, knowing that those annoying grains of sand wouldn’t be lingering in MY car or MY house. 

 

“No, we’re going shopping on King Street instead,” they answered, too in unison for it not to have been previously discussed. 

 

In the past few weeks since yearning to earn my oui, I have done a great deal of reflection on my rote responses. And I must concede that there have indeed been a lot of instant no's:  No I won't apply for a job like that. No I won't go there on vacation. No I won't buy a used car. No I won't sit in the middle seat on an airplane. No I won't eat octopus (just can't get past those suction cups). No, I won't drink a beverage, any beverage without ice. No I won't get another dog after our old hound finally expires. 

And that string of no's actually made me a little sad. After all, doesn't everyone want to spew positivity? 

The other day I got an all caps text from the daughter. 

SOMETHING TRULY AMAZING HAS HAPPENED !!

Pause for effect. 

 

LILY AND I ARE GOING TO LYON TO SEE TAYLOR SWIFT NEXT WEEK!!! 

I grinned a great big grin. 

All is not lost! 

Despite my now well-documented proclivity to saying no, it brings me great joy to see that manifesting the oui is alive and well, living its best life in my DNA.