A Wedding Story

“You know you can say no,” a random woman I befriended at the beauty parlor snorted after I overshared that I was going to my 87^rd wedding that weekend. 

I may actually be under-estimating the number of weddings I’ve attended in my life. All I know for sure is that when we moved across town 17 years ago, I dumpstered all 63 (I counted) wedding invitations that I’d been saving since 1980. In hindsight, I would have been better served purging my Aunt Mary’s china (boxed since her death in 1988); half, or even a quarter of the 10,000 books that overflow EVERY room in our house; or at the very least, the 30 lidless-Tupperware containers that tumble to the floor on a daily basis. I’ve often wished I had kept the invitations, if for no other reason than to solve the myriad memory-slipping debates:

 

Was Susan’s wedding at the same Long Island venue as Allan’s? Was Jack’s reception really at The Fort? How many years have Peggy and Pat been married? What was Peter’s ex-wife’s maiden name? 

 

As it stands, I have to trust the memories, some hazier than others, as I recollect the many, many nuptials I’ve witnessed. There was the wedding at the St. Regis Hotel on a snowy December night, the picture-perfect August afternoon at Trentadue Winery in Sonoma and the Phoenixville church where the white tuxedos got stained by bird seed (an early attempt to be eco-conscious). There was the fully-masked ceremony on the Puget Sound, the lavender farm in Wiscasset, Maine, the McGuire Air Force Base-d event in New Jersey, the beach bash in Fort Lauderdale and the love shack on the Ocean City boardwalk. There was the VFW hall in Chippewa Falls, the Holiday Inn on the highway, the Pearl S. Buck house in Perkasie, the manor overlooking the Hudson River and the New Orleans courtyard wedding complete with a brass band. 

 

I was at a wedding that was evacuated when the fire alarm blasted in the midst of the I-do’s, one at which the groom’s drunken mother slid her way across the dance floor, one where the bride’s father took the stage to play drums with the band and many, many featuring a maid of honor who interjected inappropriate college memories. I’ve witnessed couples as they connected through the love of Jesus Christ, by the power of God, beneath a Chuppah, in the eyes of an unnamed higher power and by online-certified BFF officiants. I’ve heard both original vows that evoked audible sniffles and biblical pronouncements wherein the wife promised to obey her husband, only to defy him (good for her) before the first dance. I’ve seen ugly crying from mamas who can’t let go of their sons, fist-bumping fathers who are happy to get their daughters off their phone plans and siblings whose distaste for their new family member is palpable. 

 

I’ve been to weddings held in backyards, barns and beaches as well as formal fetes thrown in country clubs, repurposed mansions and skyline ballrooms. I have drunk from both kegs and champagne flutes, been served wood-fired pizzas and food-truck fare as well as oysters on the half-shell and chateaubriand. Not to mention the many, many, many plates of rubberized chicken francese, twice-baked potatoes and green beans sprinkled with slivered almonds.

 

And while so many weddings seem to fade into one another, there’s always a reason why I keep saying yes. 

Last weekend's reason was Anthony.

 

I’ve known Anthony almost as long as I’ve known my own kids. And because he’s not my kid, I’ve been able to enjoy his antics and adventures with minimal distress. Anthony is that kid who drove the family car, booked a solo trip to Italy and took a plunge into the Hackensack River all by the age of 12. Born into a family of older brothers and multiple mischievous cousins, he navigated his childhood operating way beyond his years. 

 

Because he’s not my kid, I’ve been able to simply shake my head over his impulsive decisions, roll my eyes at every transfer of school or job or state, and pretend to love even the most dubious pieces of body art that he started penning long before his peers. 

My ever-loving spouse (aka Coach Dave) and I spent a lot of time with Anthony in his formative years. As team mom for the Titans baseball team, this kid was with whom I consulted about hotels and flights and sprinter vans.

 

Meanwhile, he was the one riding shotgun in Coach Dave’s 20-year-old, un-air-conditioned, Toyota with the hand-cranked windows, never missing a tournament that offered the opportunity to show off his cannon of an arm. Anthony would orchestrate the four-or-more-to-a-room sleeping arrangements, putting himself in the best possible position to sneak out and roam the hotel corridors once Coach Dave settled into his snoring.

 

Anthony is fun and fearless, and (thus far) has managed to land just this side of the law. Which clearly has less to do with his behavior and more than a little to do with the many cops and multiple angels that constitute his extended family and friends. 

 

Among those angels is his father, Phil, who died after a long and gnarly illness when Anthony was 12 years old. Phil was a beloved father, husband, coach and friend and the world took a big hit when he passed. He has remained very much alive in the hearts of all who knew him and more than one of us have wondered if Anthony would be the Anthony we know and love if he hadn’t lost his father when he did. And most of us agree that some of Anthony’s life choices are better off viewed from heaven. Anthony grew up to be his father’s mini-me, more so than any of his siblings. So it was only fitting that, though his two older brothers who both had their weddings in different Julys, Anthony was the one who managed to get married on his father’s actual birthday.

 

Anthony is now a married man so I wouldn’t want to dwell on any past and fleeting romances. But suffice it to say, when I met Jacqueline a couple years back at a Yankees-Mets game (“we” won, Anthony lost), I knew that she would be his bride. 

 

“Be nice to her,” I said to Anthony. “Do NOT screw this up.” 

 

And to Jacqueline, “God bless you.”

It’s impossible to describe Anthony in mere words. He’s more like an experience. And no matter how long you've known him or what adventures you've shared, the take-away is always the same. There's absolutely no point in trying to figure out what makes him tick. 

 

Last Saturday, over 200 people gathered for Anthony and Jacqueline’s wedding. From the tearful father-daughter dance exuding mutual adoration to the sob fest that ensued when Anthony took the floor with his mother, (“No!” the mother insisted earlier that week, “I’m NOT going to cry.”). From the piped-in cloud-like smoke to the photo booth to the sparkling fireworks and thrones upon which the bride and groom perched. From the abundance of gourmet food and free-flowing bourbon to the spot-on toasts and heart-felt love. From the cascading stairways and crystal chandeliers to the marbled hall and spectacular floral arrangements . From the dozens (literally) of bridesmaids, groomsmen, Bible readers, grace givers, flower girls and ring bearers to the authentic Italian music and hand-held flags – this celebration was Anthony and Jacqueline personified. 

 

“Such a waste of money,” a jaded divorcee grumbled when I recanted the magical evening. 

 

While I’ve never wallowed in excess cash, and cringe at the mere mention of wedding costs in relation to my own offspring – should they choose that path – trust me on this one. However many dimes were put into this event, not a single one was wasted. 

 

A wedding is fun and festive and full of friends and family who (hopefully) support the couple. It’s a living testament to who you are and from where you came. It’s the coming together of two separate families complete with all their quirky ways and the commingling of two sets of life-long friends and influencers. If you pay attention, you can learn an awful lot at a wedding.

 

What I’ve learned from decades of wedding-going is that some couples were destined to be together and others should never have swiped right. Some marry despite a slew of objections and others marry because of them. Some marry for beauty, others for money. Some marry for security, others for escape. 

But whatever the reason, weddings are fueled not just by love and joy, but by an overwhelming sense of hope. Hope that the relatives will behave. Hope that friends will have fun. Hope that there’s no wardrobe malfunctions, that the dance floor rocks, the sparklers spark and the shrimp stays fresh. But most of all, the celebration is filled with hope that the love couple gets their storybook ending. 

 

There’s nothing particularly remarkable about Anthony and Jacqueline’s story – after all, swooping in on another guy’s gal is perfectly acceptable – at least once the dust settles and broken hearts heal. But there definitely was something extraordinary about their wedding day. Beyond the pomp and circumstance, there was an overpowering emotion that coursed through the hearts of every one of those 212 guests. Whether it presented itself in a sigh of relief, a high-five, a smile, a check, a toast, a tear, a hug, a blog, or a thousand heart emojis, the sentiment was the same. 

Anthony and Jacqueline's story is far from over. Still to come are plenty of suspenseful scenes, massive amounts of dramatic content and tons of character development. As friends, family and angels watch the plot twists unfurl, we'll all share wistful smiles. Because we know that each and every one of us is responsible for a paragraph, a page or a chapter in their much deserved happily ever after. 

Kitchen Chaos: Part One

“This isn’t the first time you’ve done your kitchen, is it?” my friend, Robin, asked when I started jabbering on our walk the other day. 

I furrowed my brow until I realized I've been talking about re-doing my kitchen for almost 20 years.

 

Once upon a time we were living in a chaotic little house on the other side of town, cooking in an apartment-sized galley kitchen complete with a brick-look linoleum floor. There was no outlet nor place on the counter to house the microwave and toaster – essentials in the care and feeding of seven, nine and eleven-year-olds. So the appliances sat askew between the dog food and recycling bins on a wobbly IKEA cabinet in the dining room, which was not really a dining room at all, but a four-season, completely shaded sun porch. The kitchen itself was dark and dingy– the kind of dinge that curled and yellowed the plaid contact papered walls. 

 

Somehow, someway, I convinced my ever-loving spouse that it would be in our best interests to knock out a wall, update the cabinets, counters, floors, walls, ceilings, exhaust fan, appliances, etc, etc, etc and finally experience the joy of cooking. 

 

I didn’t have much of a vision beyond an inexplicable, unwavering desire for red countertops, a demand my handsome contractor received with a cocked eyebrow. But the client is always right, so there’s that. 

I knew nothing of construction or costs or the toll it would take on our tumultuous family lifestyle. But my sister, Nancy, knows these things. More importantly, she knows what I can and cannot endure. She reasoned that since we were already bursting at the seams perhaps we'd be better served by putting that money into procuring more space rather than more bling. 

 

I responded loudly and emphatically, as I am wont to do. There was absolutely no way I would or could pack up a family of five and move. I’d rather die stacked in squalor than attack that animal. 

 

But she had planted the seed. And before long it germinated into full-fledged house hunting. 

 

Again, I didn’t have much of a vision. All I knew was that I wanted new. 

 

Which was why when my friend, Kerri, told me about a house for sale next door to hers I refused to look at it. It was built in the 1920s which made it old. 

 

“Trust me, it’s perfect!” she protested. “They’ve renovated it. Just come look.” 

 

“I’m not buying an old house,” I said and went to check it out.

  

As I rolled my eyes up the creaking stairs, I conceded that yes, it oozed charm and yes, it had that long longed for front porch. But despite the newly refinished hardwood floors, updated bathrooms, and the huge inhabitable basement and attic, it was still an old, un-air-conditioned house.

 

I made our way into the kitchen where the realtor, who grew up in the house, began to apologize. 

 

“I knew whoever bought our childhood home would want to do their own kitchen renovation,” she said. “So I couldn’t bear to tear out my mother’s …..

 

RED COUNTERTOPS.”

 

Needless to say, we’ve been living here for more than 17 years. 

 

That 1960’s Formica kitchen has served us well. But years of hard living with dogs and children and children’s friends and children’s friends has taken its toll. And so when the oven took its final breath in tandem with the pandemic, I re-launched my campaign for a new kitchen.

 

My spouse and I found ourselves at a standstill. I was ready for an assisted living community two decades ago. He wants to stay in this house until death do us part, and perhaps beyond. I suggested that he visit me in my warm-weather cruise-ship-on-land every month or so. He conceded that one kitchen would be more fiscally responsible than two residences.

 

After pouring over Pinterest, Houzz, random websites and Facebook pages for months, I pretty much knew everything about remodeling a kitchen – including every possible contractor scam, cabinet debacle and unfixable mistake that could or would happen. I learned that I absolutely did not want a farmer’s sink, needed a built-in for newspaper recycling (those four papers a day fill a kitchen corner quickly), would rather have cold, hard tile than try to match hardwood with the rest of the floors, had zero interest in a counter-depth refrigerator and would rather die from whatever it is in a gas stove that is killing us than switch to electric. 

 

But there were so many, many other decisions that I simply could not make, even though I was so, so far from having to make them. Light switch and outlet location; cabinet color, cabinet style, cabinet brand, cabinet pulls; sink color, style, substance, as well as faucet brand, style and finish; lighting – chandelier, recessed, pendant or all of the above; backsplash – bright and bold, subway or square, blue, yellow, green, orange or a multi-colored funky pattern; countertop – quartz, quartzite, granite, marble, stainless steel, maybe even concrete; new sliding door or buff up the old; wall color, trim color; oh, and don’t forget the powder room; appliances – keep the newish old ones hoping they’ll last another five years or scrap them all for new and fancy, which would of course mean even more decisions. 

This is what looped through my brain as I spiraled and stalled. Friends lost their enthusiasm, no longer offering their help. I assured the ever-eager spouse that I had it all under control, not able to admit my anguish after begging for the kitchen for most of our married life. And so the days and weeks and months, and yes, years ticked by. Without a workable range. But we did have a really trusty toaster oven.

 

Finally, this past fall after yet another handsome contractor finished a gnarly project next door, I nabbed him, signing and sealing the deal with a start date the week before Thanksgiving. Now one of my many claims to fame is that I have never hosted a Thanksgiving dinner and never plan to. Though that was my excuse for delaying the demolition, truth be told, the holiday had nothing to do with it. It was pure, unadulterated fear. 

 

For the next several months as I continued to read and rely on all those social media posts for personal advice, one jumped out at me. “Just keep in mind,” a recent renovator wrote. “It is only a kitchen.”

 

For sure. It’s not like having a bilateral mastectomy, or a hip replacement when you still have a four year old, or getting both knees replaced at the same time. It’s not like having a hysterectomy or losing your gall bladder to pancreatitis resulting in a three-week hospital stay while thick in child-rearing. I’ve done those things and survived them all.

I continued to channel my It’s only a kitchen mantra every day until May when I could stall no longer.

 

I know that I am hashtag blessed and fully acknowledge my champagne problems (one of them being the inordinate amount of money I’m spending to see a certain singer who penned that tune). I am also well aware that we live in a world of unhoused humans and suffering souls and people being persecuted for how they vote, who they love and how they look.

Though as much as I'd love to claim it so, none of the above have any place in my kitchen decision resistance.

More likely it's because those chaotic, complaint-filled days weren’t so bad after all. Maybe all those chicken-roll ups and make-shift tacos weren’t worthy of the venom-spewed “I’m not a short-order cook!” – because, well, I was. Maybe those bottles of vodka hidden in plain site that mysteriously turned to water were actually a godsend – at least they were drinking in our house, not out driving the streets. I think of all the mismatched silverware, half of it brought here from the Hargraves' house, glue globs on the counter, the birth announcements, wedding invitations, graduation pictures, magnets filled with silly sentiments like, “If you haven’t grown up by 50, you don’t have to,” all adorning the old and still magnetic refrigerator. The deep scratches on the brand new, meaning hours old, dining room table caused by an over-zealous sixth grader doing his homework, the screen door that keeps the dog out but the flies in, the rippled vinyl floor, the bright blue walls, the red peace sign, the polka dot curtains that as the daughter says, “it’s like living in a clown house.”  

I’ve been trying to figure myself out my entire life. And sometimes when I give it enough thought, like 20 years, it suddenly all makes sense. My kitchen indecision has nothing to do with not being able to choose between quartz and granite, Agreeable Gray or Accessible Beige, overlay or inset cabinets. All of them will work just fine. But none of them will bring back that clown-house of a life that I juggled so precariously for so very long.

I plan to enjoy my calm and peaceful renovation. I will try not to freak out when the first cabinet chips, the ice maker stops working or the grout gets dirty. I will continue to remind myself that it is only a kitchen. 

But when i finally get to my new and shiny assisted living facility, I promise you, the first thing I'm going to do is replace the inevitable dull decor with...you guessed it...red countertops. 

The Best Yet

“Sorry girls,” I said over a zoom call with my five college friends shortly before our long-scheduled trip to Costa Rica. “There is absolutely no way I can go. They are finally starting our kitchen and I can’t possibly not be here.”

 

My comment was met with deafening silence. 

 

Followed by, “Why don’t you change the start date of the construction?”

 

My friends had been hearing about the latest of my champagne problems for months and though they have put up with a lot from me, understandably could not understand why I was so worked up. But worked up I was. So worked up in fact, that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees (insert appropriate kitchen metaphor) – and the only solution I could see was to cancel my vacation. 

 

Meanwhile, one of the girls was simultaneously holding down a job as she hammered out papers and studied for tests in the final weeks of finishing up her well-earned college degree. Another’s husband was having a fairly common, yet still quite concerning, cancer surgery eight days before the trip; one was expecting her first grandbaby; another had a spouse newly diagnosed with a not yet symptomatic, but terrifying disease. In the interim, our most seasoned and sensible traveler was busy booking drivers and researching fun, trying desperately to underscore the negativity that was brewing beneath (and above) the surface.

 

Yet because it was my kitchen, my life, my muddled brain, no one’s woes were worse than mine. I reasoned that they’d be better off without me and my never-ending stresses and stories. The more worked up I got, the less appealing the vacation became. Weather.com promised temperatures in the upper 90s with hideously high humidity. The main tourist traps were hours from where we were staying and we were highly advised not to rent a car which meant over-priced excursions with private drivers. And worst of all (at least for those of us who like their sleep and don’t eat before lunchtime), a house mom would arrive every morning between 7:30 and 8:00 to prepare breakfast and clean up our mess. I figured I’d be much better off staying home, emptying cabinets and fussing and fuming about why and how we had accumulated so much stuff. I would wallow in the sick comfort of my own little world and would ultimately enjoy that more than say, a Tempisque River tour that left before sunrise – you know, to beat the heat. 

 

But of course I went. I always do.

 

When the day came, the six of us staggered our alarms, waking up between 1:30 and 4:15 for our pricey, early-morning departures from four different cities. The adrenaline built as we texted each other, documenting our hopes and fears of layovers and luggage that may or may not make it to our second planes. We swapped stories about the oversized man with the splayed legs touching our thighs, reviewed our movie choices of I Wanna Dance With Somebody and When Harry Met Sally, groused about the chronic coughing of our seat mate, exuded about the young and fun couple who were also heading to Las Catalinas for a weekend wedding, and of course asked if anyone had done the Wordle yet. 

 

Miracle of miracles, all six of us arrived at the Guanacaste Airport in Liberia, Costa Rica, breezing through customs within an hour of each other. Every piece of our collective checked luggage appeared, albeit much of it filled with a plethora of precautionary items we’d never use in a month of Sundays. And didn’t.

 

Our new favorite human, Javier Vargas of LovingCostaRica.com was waiting with a sign and a smile right outside the airport door in the not-as-oppressively-hot-as-we-feared tropical air. He ushered us into his air-conditioned van filled with ice-cold beers and water. We bumped over roads worthy of lawsuits back home and stopped at a grocery store where Javy picked out the freshest vegetables and juiciest fruits for our house mom to transform into the banquet of the day.

 

We rented our casa from a friend of one of the girls and while the skeptic in me felt sure the web pictures would lie, it was quite the opposite. The house was beautiful and Las Catalinas was a town created with me in mind – modern, clean, car-free, cobble-stoned and ocean-viewed with infinity and lap pools, bars, corner stores, all with the kindest of workers and the friendliest of people, complete with big red dogs loping from house to house. 

 

“So, what’s the theme for the week?” I asked that first night while sipping Costa Rican rum in the plunge pool directly outside the living room door.

 

“Best Yet!” chirped the best of the bunch. 

 

“Done,” we all agreed. 

 

We met Daniella, our adorable culinary artist of a house mom, early the next morning. I pantomimed vomiting when it was necessary; explaining that one of us was allergic to pineapple or that another was hung over. But we soon discovered what we should have known all along – there’s an app for everything, and soon we were conversing like fast friends. 

 

A few of us headed to the hills to hike our way to beautiful vistas of a Caribbean-colored Pacific Ocean, dodging iguanas and snakes and lord knows what other creatures along the way. We left about 9 am with promises of a good meal upon our return. We reasoned that we’re young, in shape and tough as nails and that 85 degrees wasn’t really all that hot. Well, an hour and a half later we realized that heat stroke is real, that climbing mountains is not as easy as walking neighborhoods, and that you won’t have to pee on the trail because you can’t possibly drink enough water to make up for what you sweat out. 

 

But what a feast it was! Baked plantains, bacon, scrambled eggs, fried cheese, fresh fruit smoothies, rice and beans, chicken, home- made tortillas, and tons of guacamole, pico de gallo, all of which doubled as afternoon snacks, and made believers of even the most die-hard non breakfast eaters in the group.

 

We hung out at the pools, walked on the black, volcanic-sand beach and rode the waves. We befriended the wedding party guests who had arrived in droves and were gifted pounds and pounds of delicious tuna they had caught and couldn’t consume before their weekend party was over. We had meals in terrific restaurants with beautiful views and laughed and cringed as we retold the stories of our college days. 

 

Then came the dreaded river cruise excursion that I had adamantly refused to go on. My plan was to sleep late, catch up on Words with Friends and finish The Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell for book club the following Monday. I had zero interest in getting up at 4:15 to look at birds and bugs. 

 

But of course I went. I always do.

 

Our best buddy, Javy, drove us through the Costa Rican country side, stopping for coffee or, in my case, diet coke, doughnuts and bathroom breaks. We boarded one of those roofed river boats with open sides and saw crocodiles, anteaters, bats that camouflaged as snakes, coatis and white-faced monkeys that would have rested on our heads had one of us (guess who) not freaked out about the potential physical contact. And then there were birds. Herons of multiple sizes, shapes and colors; white ibis, spotted sandpipers, crested caracaras, mangrove swallows, turquoise-browned motmots, ringed kingfishers, boat-billed flycatchers, social flycatchers and great kiskadees. If I were a wildlife lover, it would have been paradise. As it were, I am a people lover, so it all worked out fine. 

 

From there we went to Guaitil for a deliciously authentic Costa Rican lunch followed by a pottery presentation by the brother and sister duo, Jordy and Karina. As indigenous artisans, they gave us a touch of culture and history in return for the purchase of decorated bowls that now sit at each of our houses back in the States. 

 

We did a little more exploring with Javier giving us the rundown on everything from why there’s no gun violence in Costa Rica (you need to pass a psychological test before you can buy one – imagine that), to the country’s economist president, to the burning of sugar cane fields and the abundance of machetes. Of course we got details on way more interesting things, which are better not revealed in a public forum. 

 

A week later, three of us headed home while the more adventurous trio went inward and onward to the rainforest region. One of the girls went home to care for her recovering husband, another to meet her new granddaughter and I to fuss and fume some more over the impending destruction of my kitchen. 

 

As we get older and unwiser, it’s so much easier to just say no. Or in my case, to say no loudly and rigidly followed by a tail-between-my-legs repeal of my staunch stand. 

 

My glass may always be half empty but the half that isn’t will always be filled with the things that matter. I don’t ever have to see another iguana or howler monkey or active volcano, but I can’t imagine living this life without eating and drinking and laughing with friends who love me despite myself. I can listen to the same stories on a continuous loop and will forever and ever love to muse over the silly, stupid things we once did. 

 

And still do. 

 

Which is why this trip was The Best Yet.  

 

Until of course, the next time. 

An Anthology of Friends: 65 years in the Books

It all began with a platter of cheese, a bottle of bourbon and four mermaids.  

The four mermaids – Holly, Ann, Kathy and me – were affectionately bequeathed the moniker by Kathy’s husband after he found us frolicking in their backyard pool one steamy summer day. I had never given much thought to the mythical sea creatures beyond Ariel, a once outstanding babysitter for the daughter who watched her on a continuous loop. I assume, though don’t know for sure – after all, this was not a shared activity – that The Little Mermaid was all goodness and light. But there was still something a bit incongruous about being called a mermaid as a lower-end, old-aged woman. So I did my research, googling and discarding until I came upon a perfectly acceptable listing of mermaid qualities: Strong, nurturing, loving, pleasure-seeking and beautiful, yet at the same time untamable, fierce and shockingly independent. 

 

Friends tend to fall into somewhat distinct categories – compartmentalized groups with some organic crossover. I have Mahjong mates, walking partners, drinking buddies, travel companions, holiday-hosting friends, Hearts-playing partners, book club buds, Chapel Hill compadres, college cronies, play group pals, family friends, neighborhood gang homies, high school musketeers, weight watcher confidantes, over-eater allies, Grove Street buddies, best of besties, sports-loving soulmates, cruise crews, writer’s group collaborates, church chums, cousin contingents, Facebook friends, co-worker, co-dependent and co-conspiratorial cohorts.

 

The Mermaids are a bit more difficult to compartmentalize. We are all basically the same age, we all live in the same charming or tumultuous (depending on the day) town of Teaneck. We all sent our somewhat-the-same-age, white children to the minority-majority public schools. Our kids are peripheral friends at best – sharing pasts that include not much more than sports benches, 2^nd grade classrooms or underage beers. As parents, our paths crisscrossed through the years in various ways but we didn’t solidify as a group until about seven years ago when I ran into Kathy at the over-priced fruit stand around the corner from my house. 

 

“You should come do yoga with Holly and me! Ann’s the instructor.” she exclaimed, full of goodness and light. 

 

I smiled stiffly and said I’d think about it, with no intention of doing so. 

 

Anyone who has met me – playfully, professionally, parentally or even just in passing – knows that there is no Zen in me. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Yet buried deep in my soul was a passing curiosity of this thing called yoga. And an even more deeply recessed secret wish that I would one day be brave enough to give it a go. I knew I’d never fully embrace Savasana or the loud, intentional breathing, but wondered if my aching bones would ache a little less with the cat-cowing, downward-dogging and sun-salutating. 

 

Serendipitously, my spinning chakras aligned and I gave in. And thus, two or three times a week Ann’s attic studio was transformed into our very own group therapy session, offering a safe place to gossip, vent and grow our friendship while our bodies contorted and our spirits united. When COVID hit and small spaces with mouth-breathing friends went out of style, yoga classes were put on hold. But we made a point to get together at least monthly in one of our backyards to bolster our bourgeoning bond. 

 

Kathy is a former school teacher and current actor, director and great lover of theater. Ann is a health and exercise advocate, small dog lover and baker. Holly is a costume designer, clever creator of food-themed Oscar parties and turtle owner. And I am an aspiring writer with enough quirks, rules and distorted perceptions to keep eyes rolling for a lifetime. 

I suspect Mermaids is as good a category for us as any other. 

 

Our annual pre-Christmas celebration was at my house this year. I purchased a bottle of red, a bottle of white and was fairly certain there’d be a bottle and a half left over. But when Kathy arrived with a fifth of Maker’s Mark, I knew that something unexpected would come of the evening.

 

“We should go see Holly’s ballet in Nashville!” someone, but not me, proclaimed. 

 

I am not particularly cultured and lack anything more than a marginal appreciation of the arts, but when buoyed with bourbon, I’m all in. Especially if it involves a road trip.

 

So off we went to Nashville on the morning of my 65^th birthday. 

 

We arrived in the middle of the afternoon, an uneventful flight following a bit of terminal turmoil filled with fifteen minutes of incessantly annoying alarms. 

 

“There is an emergency condition in the building. Please stay in your present location, remain calm, and await further instructions."

 

Clearly we survived, arriving in Nashville by mid-afternoon, just in time for the winding line at Hattie B’s Hot Chicken to be winding down. We downed our cluck cluck choices and headed down Broadway where we lamented our youth as country tunes wafted out open doors along with the sweet smell of last month’s beer. We landed at the roof top bar at the Grand Hyatt for over-priced cocktails and then headed to Common Ground, a delicious, newish restaurant with a ballet connection. Holly’s husband, Jim, joined us and after her final rehearsal, Holly arrived. We overate, overshared, overdrank and overspent. Well, some of them did. My gracious friends picked up the very hefty birthday bill. 

 

Friday afforded us 20,000 plus steps – though all of our Apple watches counted differently. We walked through a city overwhelmed with construction, up and down the streets to Vanderbilt University and the Parthenon which inexplicitly was replicated in Nashville. We had a remarkably good late lunch at a fast-food Greek restaurant in an area known as The Gulch and then headed back to the hotel to shower, shave and shine for the main event – Holly’s ballet. 

 

I braced myself for a two-plus hour performance in which I’d undoubtedly spend shifting in an uncomfortable seat, stealing glances at my Apple watch and wishing I was racking up steps rather than trying to interpret the story buried behind plies and pirouettes.

 

I adore Holly and am awed by her talent. As a writer, I fully understand the value of validation so was fully prepared to use my gift of words to convince her that the costumes were amazing, the dancing supreme, the story inspiring. Yet I was pretty sure that the world premiere of Anthology, a ballet artistically directed by the innovative Paul Vasterling, and inspired by dead people buried in a Nashville cemetery, would leave me lifeless. 

 

Oh, me of little faith. 

 

Once back in Teaneck the Mermaids reconvened at Holly’s house on Valentine’s Day for home-grown molten chocolate cake (I mean, who does that?) and a recap of the weekend. Holly brought out her sketches and swatches and gave us insider access to a costume designer’s process of interpreting dead people dancing.

 

Two weeks later, I’m still thinking about the fun-filled weekend in Nashville and how celebrating my 65th birthday at the ballet was so dissimilar to, say, my 21^st birthday at West Virginia University. Those of you who were there (and many of you were) remember. But then again, maybe you don’t. 

 

But what I’m thinking of mostly is how lucky I am to have such an anthology of friends from just about every walk of life there is to walk. Or run. Or jump. Or hobble. It continuously baffles my heart that despite my oh so many quirks, rules and distorted perceptions, so many people choose to befriend that strong, nurturing, loving, pleasure-seeking and beautiful, yet at the same time untamable, fierce and shockingly independent mermaid who’s swishing her tail just below the surface.

 

The Circle of Life

I huffed and I puffed and I yanked my oversized suitcase off the carousel wondering, not for the first time, why I had to overpack. Every. Single. Trip. Dragging my luggage far from the madding crowd, wrestling to right those wheels gone wild, I found myself eyeball-to-eyeball with a very warm and familiar face.

“You look confused,” a cheery voice chirped. 

 

“Baffled. Totally baffled,” I said.

 

Yet it made sense, it really did. My college roommate, Sue, knew that I was feeling a bit off-kilter about this trip so did some sleuthing to figure out when I was arriving, then passed the info on to her daughter, Jessie, who lives in south Florida. I don’t typically like surprises, but I absolutely adore Jessie. I last saw her over Labor Day weekend at her epically-fun wedding when she married Chris, a 100 percent good-guy. Well, maybe 99.9. Nobody’s perfect. 

 

 “Come on. I’m driving you to your hotel.”

 

A couple hours later, still on my Jessie high, I headed down to the hotel lobby to meet my friends, Theresa and Steve, who were taking me to dinner. Four women were chatting on a couch so I barged right in, as I am wont to do. I discovered that they were with Red Orchid Women’s Travel Tours and that ten of them, mostly Canadians, were doing exactly what I was doing. 

I sighed in relief, convinced that everything was going to be just fine. Then I launched into my back story.  

 

Every year, my high school soulmate of a friend, Patty, and I took a cruise together. I’d fly in the night before, she’d pick me up in her little white Ford Escape and we’d go back to her house and bulldog in Dania Beach. We’d see Steve and Linda, her brother and sister-in-law, and then go off to Hollywood, with or without them, for dinner. The next morning we’d take the dog to the vet for boarding and Steve, or an Uber driver, would take us to the port, me lugging a huge suitcase ... or two, Patty with barely a carry-on. Year after year we outdid ourselves, marveling at how two rapidly aging women were still able to have so much fun. 

 

Our last trip together was what I affectionately call the COVID Cruise. We set sail with more than a little trepidation on March 8, 2020. If you recall, the coronavirus was just rearing its ugly head – mostly on cruise ships. My ever-loving spouse, who never, ever puts a damper on my folly, assured me that it was a really, really bad idea to go. Patty, usually the cautious one, was uncharacteristically calm in the face of potential doom. She won. We went. And for a week, lived on the Edge which, ironically, was the name of our ship.

 

We found ourselves in the artsy lounge called Eden on our first night at sea. It didn’t take long before we inserted ourselves into a conversation (note a pattern here) with Kit and Don, BFFs from Jacksonville. We bonded immediately and spent much of the rest of the cruise together. 

 

Meanwhile, Don had other friends on the ship – Bob and Sharon from Estero, Florida. Once we met them, the six of us spent every cocktail hour in the Martini Bar – trying to decipher the day’s stories of shut downs and rising COVID counts back on land. With every cocktail we sipped, we felt safer and safer aboard the Celebrity Edge. 

 

Well the cruise ended, no one got COVID and we returned to our respective homes, sending a slew of post-cruise texts and liking each other’s Facebook posts during those uncertain months in the early days of the pandemic.

 

Life went on. 

 

For most of us. 

 

Sadly, tragically and life-changingly, Patty died seven months later of a completely unrelated disease. I'm one of those stoic, perhaps hard-hearted, souls who can navigate death with barely a blip. But this one cut me to the core. 

 

Yet time passed, as it always does, and when cruise ships finally set sail again, I was itching to get back to sea. Scott, my friend from a long-ago cruise, sent me monthly, sometimes weekly messages asking me to join him and his husband on one of the many cruises they took each year. But they travel on a different cruise line that is way too expensive for me as a single passenger. I lobbied friend group after friend group but couldn’t get any takers. So I gutted it out, limiting my travels to solid ground. 

 

(In case you were wondering – my ever-loving spouse did try to understand what I loved about a floating hotel. He went on one cruise early on and immediately knew that it wasn’t his thing. He is somewhat averse to most overindulgences in life –with over-socializing at the top of the list. Knowing that I can’t exist without it, he gave me his full blessings to carry on, as long as it was with Patty – and without him.)

 

Let’s circle back for a moment to the COVID cruise.

 

In early March of 2020, no one knew what they didn’t know, so many countries were not allowing cruise passengers to disembark at their ports. However, because we had no documented cases of COVID onboard, we were the only ship permitted to dock in St. Maarten that week. So Patty and I got off and took the water taxi into town. We ended up in one of the many, many jewelry shops in Philipsburg where – shock, shock – we befriended the husband and wife owners. 

 

Their intuition was way more on point than ours. While we felt it would be no more than a two-week inconvenience, they were way more certain that this virus would wreak havoc way beyond our collective imaginations. Their livelihood depended on the tens of thousands of cruise passengers that came into their country every week and they were scared to death of what was to come. We bantered back and forth sharing our unfounded hopes and what proved to be realistic fears. Patty bought a pair of rather expensive gold filigree earrings and I went for silver – purchasing a modestly-priced bracelet and two pairs of dangling earrings. 

 

“We’ll be thinking of you every single day,” I said as we left with our wallets lighter and hearts heavier. “And in solidarity, I’m not going to take this bracelet off until we meet again.”

 

And I didn’t. Not once in 1,021 days.  

 

About six months ago, Bob and Sharon and Kit and Don resurfaced with a “Hey – why don’t you join us on a cruise in January? It’s going to St. Thomas, Puerto Plata and St. Maarten.” 

 

“I’m in,” I responded without hesitation. 

 

Yet as the time drew nearer I had my reservations. I mean, I had only known these people for seven days in my whole life. Would they be able to handle my extra cup(s) of ice, my incessant need to befriend everyone within a ten meter radius, my loathing of sand and snorkeling, my step-counting, my stories that run on a continuous loop?

 

Turns out, they could.

 

As an added bonus Joyce and Ken joined the crew, offering up two new prospects for me to get to know and love. 

 

Turns out, I did. 

 

Our first port-of-call was St. Maarten. Sharon, Bob, Joyce and Ken went off on a double-decker bus tour. Don and Kit went snorkeling – something I did to appease Patty, but never have to do again. I ventured out alone, hoping to close the loop on my bracelet story.

 

A few weeks before the cruise I began googling names of St. Maarten jewelers but nothing rang a bell. I could not remember the store's name or location and wondered if maybe it hadn’t survived the pandemic. I scrolled through my 2020 credit card statements online, surmising that I must have paid cash – probably in a last ditch attempt to help the owners out by saving them the card fees. Admittedly, I’m not the most fiscally responsible human and am not prone to saving receipts, but I definitely lamented that shortcoming for perhaps the first time ever.

 

Serendipitously, I remembered purchasing cruise luggage tag holders back in 2020. I ransacked my overflowing desk drawers and, sure enough, found them beneath a stack of checks from two bank accounts ago. Tucked inside one of the plastic holders was a carefully folded piece of paper. 

 

It was a receipt from Pavillion Jewelers on Front Street in Philipsburg, St. Maarten, dated March 12, 2020.  

 

I know that the shop owner wanted to remember me. But three years and thousands of customers later, I’m not sure she did. I found myself choking up (remember that I’m hard-hearted) as I went through the whole story of how I was on the last cruise ship out before they suspended operation in 2020, how we were all scared to death, how I promised to wear this bracelet every single day until I got back and found out you were safe and how in the meantime, my bosom buddy died but I reunited with others from that cruise and look at us now –  we’re here, we’re both still here.   

 

We took a picture together, hugged and off I went. With yet another brand new bangle on my wrist. How could I resist? After all, this whole thing was about supporting my St. Maarten store owner friends.  

I’m still sporting both my COVID and post-COVID bangles and at this point, I’m not sure what it would take for me to ever take either one of them off. 

 

My bracelets are a constant reminder of the friends I’ve made, the friend I lost and the friends I have not yet met. And a confirmation that this cruise was more than just another overindulgence. It offered me a string of affirmations, life lessons and you-can-do-it moments.

 

I learned that I can navigate a ship without my sidekick and that even if my first request for an extra cup of ice turned out to be the last I saw of my COVID cruise friends, that I would be OK. Somehow I intuited that those Canadian women I met in the hotel lobby would be warm and welcoming – and they were, every day when I ran into some configuration of them. 

 

I discovered that a cruise cabin is downright huge when you have the room all to yourself. That I can not only tolerate, but actually enjoy, the entertainment on board – from comedians to karaoke to artfully choreographed Alice in Wonderland interpretations. 

 

I learned that though I'll miss my original cruise buddy every day for the rest of my life, I'll carry her heart with me on every voyage I take. I’ll hear her voice echoing in my head reminding me that not every surprise is an ambush. That saving receipts is just plain sensible, and not necessarily indicative of hoarding. That sometimes I should just go ahead and buy the jewelry. That the chocolate sauce added to my scoop of ice cream can always be walked off and if not, who cares? Because the words size and self-worth have no place in the same sentence anyway. That it’s silly to obsess over what I said or how I said it. Truth be told, they were all too drunk to remember. I’ll hear her telling me to go ahead and order the chicken three nights in a row, but to please, please at least try the escargot. That I should always tip well those who serve me well. And those who don’t, tip them anyway.

Perhaps most importantly, her spirit will remind me that all that glitters is not gold, just as all that’s gold does not glitter. But that if I just trust my gut and surround myself with the right people, I’ll have friends to cruise with for the rest of my life. 

This Little Life of Mine

I forgot all about the bayberry candle last year, an oversight that had the potential to inflict life-changing tragedy.

Lighting a bayberry candle on Christmas Eve or New Year’s Eve (homeowner's choice) was a family tradition in my formative years, flawlessly followed to ensure the blessings of health, wealth and good luck in the coming year. 

 

Sometime in the evening of the Eve, my mother would extract an olive green bayberry candle from a drawer in the wooden hutch that my grandfather built, put it into a brass candlestick that had been a wedding gift, place it on the kitchen counter and light the wick, letting the candle burn all night long. You NEVER, ever blow out the candle because that would negate all the advantages the tradition promised. 

 

I’m not big on the knocking on wood / tossing salt over the shoulder kind of superstitions, yet I carried this ritual with me when I had a home of my own. Unlike other traditions like family dinners at 5:30 pm, Saturday night ice cream (how about every night?) and outdoor dining with daddy long-leggers that were all tossed out with the first baby's bath water, I held on tight to this one. After all, it had worked quite well for a long, long time. I lived an incredibly charmed childhood and suspect that most of it had to do with the bayberry candle. 

I never even gave the gaffe a thought until a couple of weeks ago when I rifled through one of my many junk drawers only to discover that there were no more Bayberry candles. I immediately ordered a two-pack from Williamsburg, appalled and panicked that I had uncharacteristically forgotten all about it the year before.

 

Because I record both the momentous and meaningless in my Moleskin weekly planner, I was able to review with great precision the catastrophic curses of 2022.  

 

After a home-bound New Year's Eve, January perked up with a tour of Enfield Elementary with my first friend Margaret and sister Emily. We wandered those hallowed halls reliving our adolescence and revving up reminders of just how lucky we truly were. And are. Several months later, the school was demolished, leaving behind what is now just a field of dreams – some laughably lost, some amazingly achieved. 

 

In the beginning of the year, book clubs, church services, hearts games and meetings were virtual, the gym was not. Slowly but surely social life opened back up, allowing unmasked visits with my mother, a celebration for my great-niece Sophie’s 10^th birthday and hang outs with Kathy and Holly and Ann.

 

February bought me another birthday and dinner at a Cuban restaurant with the ever-loving spouse and youngest son. The big surprise was the bill that was paid virtually by the unpresent offspring. The neighborhood gang gathered at Emily’s the following weekend as a founding father was faced with an unpleasant diagnosis (conquered). Kit came from Seattle and Wayne from Massachusetts, proving that neither time nor distance will ever dissolve our childhood bond. 

 

In March we celebrated the impending birth of Kris and Niel’s baby girl, following Covid tests and fever checks (note that these were two people I literally had to BEG to get vaccinated way back when). Oh how things change when you suddenly realize you’re responsible for another human. The shower was at Riverside Church in Manhattan where so many, many hours had been spent watching our future champions play basketball. The middle child came from LA for the event, and except for drinking from Siddiq’s flask (he never shared back in the day), it could have been a day in the life of a dozen years ago. 

 

I got a bright and shiny new bicycle that I pedaled until the weather turned cold. 

 

I spent several Wednesdays with baby, now toddler, Hannah; had monthly lunches with Ann and Gail; walked Overpeck Park every week with Grace and bid farewell to the youngest child as he headed to Spain for a repeat of his 2019, 500-plus mile trek on the Camino de Santiago. My 16 year old clothes washer died and I went to the laundromat for the first time since our first apartment. 

 

South Carolina beckoned in mid-April and off I went to visit my sister, Nancy. I met my new favorite dog, Birdie, and helped my sis host a Seder at the Presbyterian church where she works as a chef. We had a fun dinner party with her besties, Joanne and Mark, had a good time with our dear friend Carrie, and listened to a string quartet play all my favorite Taylor Swift tunes in a cavernous candlelit church in downtown Charleston. 

 

Covid finally caught me in the end of April when friends and family gathered in Pennsylvania to memorialize my soul sister and cruise-partner, Patty. We ate, drank and made merry like the high schoolers we were when we first met – Rachel coming all the way from Oakland, California. I would never have known I had Covid and would never have tested except that 25 other people from the weekend tested positive. Except for the fear of infecting my then 96 year-old mother (I didn’t), I breezed right through. Some got it pretty bad, but thankfully we all lived to tell the tale. Thanks to Covid, I did miss my first Mets game of the season and the long-awaited Alec DeMattheis’s wedding, but I’m also keenly aware that many others have missed way more.

 

May brought Lauren and Rob from Colorado and we met for dinner along with the Sheas in NYC, met Anne D’Onofrio halfway between here and there at The Farmer’s Daughter with Claire, went to many Mets games, saw middle child many times on his many trips home from LA, regularly spoke and visited with the daughter, had dinner with Theresa and Karen, learned about Angelo’s with Steven and Ann, welcomed the youngest home and then said goodbye again as he left for Traverse City to work the food truck for months on end. 

 

A blast into the past came in June with my high school reunion that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that those were the days, my friend. 

 

Our annual trip to Maine with the college girls over Father’s Day was even more fun than usual because we got to see the other Betsy’s two daughters who we’ve known since birth and partied on the porch with other friends we’d met on previous trips to Higgins Beach. 

 

July brought Karen’s 60^th birthday party, followed by a trip to Rhode Island to see Leah and her family which included the marvelous Maxwell and from there off to Claire’s house in Mattapoisett which was filled with that “make good choices” kind of fun. 

 

My friend, Nancy Grasso, lost her battle with cancer in July, but Emily, Beth and Michelle all kicked its butt.  We went on a Magical Mystery Tour with Bart and Carol at the Reighart’s Lake House and learned about Bananagrams and Becky’s ice cream. 

 

We had our annual Woolley weekend in early August and were able to play our first live Hearts tournament since 2019 – at Bob and Nicole’s Hawley hideaway. We bid adieu to Donald and Theresa with a touch of sadness and a triple dose of awe when they fulfilled their dream of moving to France. 

 

The college girls gathered again in Atlanta over Labor Day weekend to toast Sue’s daughter, Jessie, as she married the love of her life. And toast her we did, over and over and over. And the very next weekend, Danny and Laura had an absolutely beautiful waterfront wedding in Point Pleasant. A month later was the lovely Holly Hamilton’s lovely wedding and the college girls again spent fun time together, despite the Mets losing their wildcard series. 

 

We had a thankful Thanksgiving, a merry Christmas (made merrier with the presence of Kevin and Kaylina), bountiful birthday celebrations and a fun New Year’s Eve with Janice and Lou, Marilyn and Pat, Susan and Rene and their awesome offspring and friendly friends. 

 

I survived months of plantar fasciitis (in hindsight maybe I should have stopped walking for a while?), we got to hang with Janice and John multiple times, saw Anne and Bill for the first time in literal years, had two cousin pot-lucks, read 64 books, binged bazillions of shows and got to know and love Savannah and Hannah and adorable Ava. I got to welcome the new generation both virtually and in-person, delighting in the Instagram stores of Demi, Graham, Zoe, Ziggy, Leo, Theo, Landers, Harper, Penelope, Thomas, Dominic, Aspen, AJ, Lia, Maxwell and Callum, marveling at the fact that these “kids” are actually old enough to have kids of their own. We celebrated my mother’s 97^th birthday, Griffey the faithful hound dog has hobbled into his 13^th year, the ever-loving is still gainfully employed, I scored Taylor Swift tickets legally and easily and I had a year filled with more fun than any one lower-old-aged woman deserves to have. 

 

Which is why, when we staggered in from our New Year's Eve celebration and my spouse unthinkingly blew out the flickering flame, I merely gasped. 

After all, I think I've got proof that nothing can hold a candle to health and happiness. Most certainly not a botched tradition. 

Here's to a new year full of good fortune and thank you all for charming my life.